99 Red Spy Balloons

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A lot has happened in the news, and we’re only halfway through the year. Most importantly, it’s been months since my last blog. I can explain.

I was indicted for 741 counts of copyright infringement involving the unauthorized reproduction of videotapes. Who’d have thought making bootleg VHS copies of Jurassic Park in 1994 would catch up with me? Don’t the FBI have anything better to do?

News comes and go, but I won’t forget about the Chinese spy balloon. That’s just what the establishment ruling class bureaucrats want us to do. They want us to move on and talk about the weather or what we had for dinner, but I refuse.

I’m ready to blow the lid off their entire operation:

It’s come to my attention that [redacted] conspired with [redacted] to [redacted]. And if that’s not enough, [redacted] paid off [redacted] to cover up various illegal activities, including [redacted] and [redacted] through a Cayman Islands bank account.

Pardon the redactions. Some suits from the Justice Department stopped by for a “chat” and a reminder that not even degenerate pervert Jeffrey Epstein was dumb enough to open his mouth, and they killed him anyway. No one would make a fuss about a nobody like me.

I also got a call from Google CEO Archibald D. Google-Stein III, warning me to redact all claims or have my website blacklisted for “spreading disinformation.” I dutifully complied and received two tickets to see the Miami Heat. Score!

Wake Me When it’s Halloween

Ever feel like our world is slipping into the abyss? Fear not, I’ve teamed up with a top pharmaceutical company on a pain reliever against daily news consumption.

white and black medicine capsules

Our miracle drug cures “bullshit migraine,” an affliction toward 24-hour news cycles, click-bait articles, and biased media narratives.

It’s not that there aren’t important news stories out there. The Kansas City Chiefs edged out the Philadelphia Eagles for victory in Super Bowl LVII (57). Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow for Groundhog Day, forecasting a longer winter.

Modern technology hasn’t been completely dominated by AI, but we’re getting there. Chatbot apps like ChatGPT enable users to fully converse with an artificial known-it-all.

The War in Ukraine continues one year after Russia’s invasion. Perhaps you’ve heard. The US has spent untold billions in military aid, equipment, and weaponry to Ukrainian war efforts with full NATO support.

Meanwhile, the emerging alliance between Russia, China, and Iran is concerning in itself. Are we already at war or just getting there?

From my current deployment in Kuwait, I read Stars and Stripes, the official U.S. military newspaper. It’s great because it’s free. They aggregate Associated Press (AP) and Washington Post articles and mix with their own reporting.

They also have crossword puzzles and comics.

We live in a perennial time of increasing conflict. Floods, droughts, tsunamis, earthquakes, civil war, and famine become yesterday’s news tossed in the nearest recycling bin. Let’s look back on some notable scoops.

News Recap

January kicked off with a tense aerial showdown, involving the now famous Chinese spy balloon. It drifted over parts of the US and Canada before being shot down off the South Carolina coast.

Equipped with a sophisticated satellite, the massive balloon was a far cry from the Jules Verne days of wealthy English gentlemen wagering big money to travel the world. In the 21st century, everyone is watching everyone, and human ingenuity is to blame.

Rising inflation and economic uncertainty in the US contributed to increases in food and energy costs. The financial sector took a hit with a series of bank closures, starting with Silicon Valley Bank (SVB), the largest bank failure since Washington Mutual in 2008.

Scandal-ridden Cryptocurrency company FTX crashed like a led weight, losing hundreds of millions of invested dollars. And with $32 trillion in debt, Washington still can’t balance a budget for the life of them.

Crazy Trains

black train on rail and showing smoke

Multiple train derailments plagued the US this year, more so than usual. Is this supposed to be normal? The massive chemical spill in East Palestine, Ohio from a derailed Norfolk Southern train created an environmental disaster for neighboring residents and wildlife.

Thousands of gallons of spilt chemicals were then set on fire by “emergency crews,” which created a toxic mushroom cloud over the entire town. They called it a “controlled burn,” I suppose in the way that Chernobyl was a controlled meltdown. Genuis!

The long-term effects of this baffling catastrophe remain to be seen.

A worsening fentanyl crisis, horrific mass shootings, a national crime wave, an absent workforce, declining birth rates, and a tumultuous political environment are all indicative of troubling times.

There are real problems out there, requiring serious solutions; the kind that only Morgan Freeman as New Jersey high school principal Joe Louis Clark and his trusty baseball bat can solve. I’m optimistic though.

Close Encounters

One non-balloon-related mystery, however, has space enthusiasts abuzz. Repeated sightings of Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena (UAPs), otherwise known as UFOs, increased with greater frequency and brazenness.

A few months ago, the Pentagon seemingly confirmed the existence of extra-terrestrial life beyond our planet. This conclusion was based on multiple encounters between military aircraft and strange objects that suddenly disappeared with astonishing speed.

A triangular-shaped spaceship reportedly hovered over a California military base for about ten minutes before vanishing. Another UAP reportedly landed in a Las Vegas suburb and vanished moments later. Perhaps the aliens are doing a little spying of their own.

A NASA panel studying the phenomena found “absolutely no convincing evidence of extraterrestrial life associated with UAPs.”The prospect of life beyond our galaxy has mostly received a collective shrug from the public. If the aliens want attention, they’ll need TikTok or Twitter.

Maybe they want nothing to do with us. Maybe we’re being studied. Maybe they’re just waiting for a time when we’re not here anymore.

Stay safe out there. We must show the aliens that this is our planet and that we’re not going anywhere… at least for a while.

When addressing intergalactic species in possession of technology far more advanced than our own, it’s important to show strength and resolve.


1 comments on “99 Red Spy Balloons”

  1. Very astute observations on the incredible events and actors behind and in front of the news cycles!

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