Final Destinations

Imagine a premonition of your horrible death involving some unforeseen disaster in the immediate future.

You take decisive action, avert disaster, and everyone lives happily ever after. But death will not be cheated. All survivors who narrowly avoided their fate the first time are picked off one by one through redundantly gruesome CGI deaths.

Welcome to the world of Final Destination, where anything and everything can kill you.

The franchise began back in 2000, spawning six sequels, including the most recent edition, Final Destination Bloodlines. I guess you can’t keep a money-making slasher series down. Final Destination is the very essence of a formula-driven franchise. The outlandishly innovative execution of its on-screen characters is precisely the point.

I suppose there’s a certain thrill in watching teenagers race around and try to break the chain of their inevitable end. The films have depicted various terrifying disasters, including plane crashes, highway pileups, roller coaster malfunctions, and speedway accidents, to name a few. There’s still more where that came from.

What about a massive train derailment, a sinking cruise ship, or chaos at the Kentucky Derby? How about a rock concert, a TED talk conference, a royal wedding, a family reunion, a pool party, Comic-Con, or an on-set Price is Right catastrophe?

The possibilities are endless. And for this reason, these movies will never die, until, of course, they prove unprofitable.

What if your startling death premonition didn’t transpire after all? You made a big show and forced your friends off the Twirl-A-Whirl for nothing. You received no vindication, only annoyed faces of disapproval as the ride continued unabated and your prophecy proved false.

There’s no harm in taking precautions. What if the same vision rendered you unable to leave the house? Could you call into work for that? What if a celebrity space voyage was not what it seemed, and one of them had second thoughts?

Celebrities in Space

Blue Origin is a private space company founded by Jeff Bezos of Amazon fame. It’s been around for over twenty years, but I only recently heard of it. Either I’m completely out of sync with the dynamic space industry, or they’ve been keeping things relatively lowkey.

You’d never know that I also own a space company, Cosmic Industries, LLC. True, we’re not quite up there with the tech giants, nor do we make any viable products or technology. We’re more focused on time travel and money laundering. But you didn’t hear it from me.

In April of this year, Blue Origin launched its 11th human spaceflight with an all-female “crew” of six, including Katy Perry, Gayle King, journalist Lauren Sánchez, fiancée of Jeff Bezos, and some other people I’ve never heard of.

The brief, ten-minute voyage was met with some backlash and criticism, described as some vanity project for all involved. But let’s not be too harsh.

Who wouldn’t want the opportunity to go into space? We earth dwellers should celebrate and promote all space ventures. It’s not just aliens and Buck Rogers up there. Exploring the unknown is vital to advancing civilization.

The Blue Origin flight might have fared better with the public had its passengers not been more interested in taking selfies than the vastness of space surrounding them.

However, the inherent risks of space travel cannot be overstated. It takes guts to go up there, even for ten minutes. Way to go, ladies!

Nine Months

Imagine your routine spaceflight to the International Space Station stretched from weeks to nine months (or 286 Days). You miss all the great holidays while living on astronaut ice cream.

Your tight living quarters become a cell. Every day is just another reminder that you’re stuck. You don’t know if or when you’ll return home.

The triumphant return of NASA astronauts Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore remains an inspirational tale of human ingenuity and resolve. As part of the Crew-9 mission (jointly operated by NASA and SpaceX), Williams and Wilmore were stranded in space after their Boeing Strainer spacecraft malfunctioned. Months ticked by without any guarantees of their safe return.

All they could do was wait.

I’ve lamented not packing enough socks for a trip. What would I do with myself for nine months orbiting the ISS? I’d lose my mind, for starters, and probably run amok.

From September 2024 to March 2025, the astronauts toiled above the stars, wondering if they had been forgotten. We used to rally around things like this, but it’s hard to maintain interest in any story nowadays, especially for nine months. Had they done it in three, they’d be front-page material.

Following Boeing’s equipment failure and challenges faced by NASA, SpaceX launched its Dragon capsule to successfully rescue the astronauts and return them home. A lot of things have been said about Elon Musk, ad nauseam, but his company did what no one else could. And for that, they deserve recognition.

Instead, we dismiss space exploration as mere self-aggrandizement. Maybe we’re just jealous. No one ever gave us a space invite.

I don’t know if I’d go up there. Those stupid Final Destination movies have ruined my adventurous spirit. I may never leave the house again.