Our Cosmic Existence

Need some life advice? You’ve come to the right place.

In a concerted effort to share my profound insights with the world, I’ve naturally embraced being a life coach as a side gig.

I’ve got lots of wisdom to share, tips for a happier life, and such. My qualifications are numerous.

I’ve read a lot of inspirational posters and lead a relatively healthy lifestyle. I’ve never been arrested. I’ve never laundered money or ever set up an illegitimate business as a front to launder said money.

I always return shopping carts to the cart return (most of the time). I don’t judge others or laugh at their misfortune unless it’s warranted.

I’m a safe driver and always calm behind the wheel. Of course, who among us hasn’t flown off the handle when some doddering halfwit drives too slow in the fast lane?

You don’t want life advice from some rank amateur who can’t even file a tax return. You want an experienced counselor like me, a learned mentor and trusted confidant.

Searching for Answers

The modern influencer age echoes biblical times, where false prophets stood atop archaic soapboxes on dusty street corners spreading competing views.

Self-help books derived much from these charlatans, remaining a lucrative enterprise to this day. The secrets to a successful life are easy, and once I find them out, I’ll let you know.

I’ll start with some awe-inspiring revelations:

If you want something, go for it. I think I read that on a poster once.

Pay your bills on time. Be confident. Accept yourself for who you are even if it’s gravely disappointing.

Don’t drink a bottle of bourbon before lighting fireworks off the roof. Treat people decently. Wear clothing before going out.

Honesty is the best policy, which starts with admitting that you cried at the end of Titanic (or at least shed a tear).

Don’t glare at people so much. Drive on the right side of the road. Never pick up hitchhikers. Avoid stupid gambling apps. Minimize delusions of grandeur involving family dynasties or world domination.

Happy wife, happy life. Happy husband—nothing rhymes with husband.

Pick up a good book. Don’t run from the cops.

Days Gone By

I may not know everything, but I’m getting started. I do know, in all my infinite wisdom, that time goes by very fast, and there’s no time like the present to live your best life.

When I was a kid, we watched TV shows like ALF, Night Court, and Cheers.

We also watched Baywatch for its excellent writing and character development, and beautiful women running around in their bathing suits. There was also David Hasselhoff, if that’s your thing.

Before The Simpsons burst onto the scene in late 1989, my favorite show was Night Court. The classic sitcom ran for nine seasons and featured a colorful cast of characters working night shift at the Manhattan Criminal Court.

It doesn’t seem that long ago when my siblings and I gathered around the TV each weeknight to watch the show in syndication. Except for John Larroquette (assistant district attorney Dan Fielding) and Marsha Warfield (bailiff “Roz” Russell), the entire principle cast has since passed away.

ALF, the beloved ’80s sitcom featuring a wisecracking alien from the planet Melmac, is another poignant reminder that nothing lasts forever. Today, only Andrea Elson, who portrayed daughter Lynn Tanner, remains from the Tanner family cast.

We also recently lost the immensely talented Sam Neill whose work touched generations and whose legacy won’t soon be forgotten.

With each passing year, more of the actors, musicians, and personalities who shaped our childhoods leave us behind. It feels as though these touchstones are gradually slipping into history.

It’s an inevitable part of life—one we all know is coming—but that doesn’t make it any less startling when another familiar face is gone,

I don’t want to see resurrected AI actors either, which is a point of contention for another blog. Let their lasting work speak for itself, damn it.

In the meantime, I’ll eagerly pursue my life coach destiny on Substack, TikTok, or wherever else hugely popular influencers can be found.

Most importantly, I would like to offer a moment of silence for MySpace. Gone but not forgotten.