Love Hurts

It’s time to discuss the fallacy of glitter cards.

Does anyone like cards that leave glitter everywhere like a spilled box of baking soda? It’s maddening. I motion for an immediate ban, a moratorium, if you will.

In elementary school, we’d hand out those small exchange Valentine’s Day cards to other classmates. That was always fun. Of course, if you actually liked someone, it was crucial to never let them know under any circumstances.

You had to play it cool and take the secret to your grave.

Nothing encapsulates that feeling like a good love ballad. I believe some of the best love songs occurred during the “golden oldies” era of the 1950s and ’60s.

Take “All I Have to Do is Dream” by the Everly Brothers from 1958. Does a more romantic-sounding song exist?

I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime, night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
I’m dreamin’ my life away

Upon closer examination, the song appears to celebrate the delusions of an obsessed lunatic who can’t take a hint. That’s not love! And don’t get me started on the universal stalker anthem, “Every Breath You Take” by The Police. Yikes!

Surely, it can’t get more romantic than “(What A) Wonderful World” by Sam Cooke from 1960. The sincere yearning and innocence of young love are on full display.

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much biology
Don’t know much about a science book
Don’t know much about the French I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me, too
What a wonderful world this would be

Upon closer examination, the song appears to dismiss education as secondary to some farcical crush. What kind of message does that send to our youth? The singer boasts about their own lack of knowledge on various subjects, which reeks of the anti-intellectualism so prevalent today. I’d give it a D-.

When it comes to love songs, you can’t go wrong with The Beatles. Take “If I Fell,” for instance, from 1964’s Hard Day’s Night. At first glance, John Lennon’s tender vocals, vulnerable and sentimental lyrics, and beautiful harmonies paint a picture of cautious love.

If I fell in love with you,
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand?
‘Cause I’ve been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands.

If I give my heart to you,
I must be sure
From the very start that you
Would love me more than her.

If I trust in you, oh please,
Don’t run and hide
If I love you too, oh please,
Don’t hurt my pride like her.

‘Cause I couldn’t stand the pain.
And I would be sad if our new love
Was in vain.

What appears as a sweet, honest ballad soon descends into a pity party with more emotional baggage than the First Wives Club.

Why should all the responsibility of this potential relationship fall upon the subject of the song? Are they to blame for your trust issues? Get over yourself, bro.

Let’s go with something more contemporary, like “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin. That’s right, I said contemporary! Who doesn’t melt like butter upon hearing that booming, ethereal synth and siren-like vocals?

Watching every motion in my foolish lover’s game
On this endless ocean, finally, lovers know no shame
Turning and returning to some secret place inside
Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say

Take my breath away

Take my breath away

Wait a minute. Take your what away? Are we against breathing now? Sounds like some kind of asphyxiation fetish. What kind of message is that sending to our youth?

I give up on finding the perfect love ballad. For now, “Jungle Boogie” will have to do.