Some Fun Facts About Vampires

They’re known as mysterious creatures of the night, but what else is there to these bloodsucking freaks? Let’s find out.

What’s a vampire’s favorite drink? – Blood & tonic.

Why don’t vampires vote? – They have no stake in anything.

What is the most popular vampire band of the ’80s? – Fang Chung.

Who’s the most famous vampire porn actor from the ’70s? – Ram Stoker.

Why do vampires wear capes? – Because they have a vain sense of style.

Why do vampires sleep in coffins? – They like to rest in peace.

Why do vampires hate garlic? – The aftertaste drives them batty.

Who wrote these so-called “vampire facts?” – An anonymous twelve-year-old on the payroll.

A Vampiric Mystery

Imagine if your neighbor were a vampire, like in the classic 1985 film, Fright Night. How could you prove it, especially if no one believed you?

Most people would mind their own business and not interfere with the nefarious activities of an undead neighbor. They wouldn’t spy or pry. They’d go about their lives in ignorant bliss.

What if your vampire neighbor just kept to themselves, feasting on the corpse of their victims in the privacy of their own home? Are they violating any noise ordinances? Did they bring a shipload of rats with them to unleash a plague?

If not, I say, let it be.    

I’ve long suspected my neighbor across the street. He looks to be in his 60s or 70s and largely keeps to himself. The evidence is simple. I rarely see him outside during the day. The house looks vacant most of the time.

Around dusk, his garage door opens, and he backs his Jeep Cherokee out before driving off. Later that evening, he returns, pulls into the garage, and closes the door behind him before getting out. This pattern clearly indicates the transport of fresh bodies into his lair.

For all I know, he’s simply a servant (or “familiar”), tending to his master’s needs. His wife, whom I’ve seldom seen, could be the real vampire. That’s my working theory so far, but for now I have bigger things to investigate.

News Update

It’s been almost two years since a container ship struck the 1.6-mile Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore, causing its collapse. The crash resulted in the death of six maintenance crew members, causing approximately $2 billion worth of damage. Remember that?

The inept (and negligent) crew of the container ship Dali blamed a power failure for a direct collision that caused the bridge’s immediate collapse. I recall the promises of the federal government to provide all resources necessary to rebuild the bridge. After all this time, I’m sure we got things back up and running, right?  

Well, the Maryland Department of Transportation recently estimated a replacement bridge by fall 2028, nearly four years after the collapse. Nothing has been done yet, not even the construction of a single pier.

This wasn’t just any bridge; it crossed one of the busiest shipping routes in the U.S. It served a major logistics route from the Port of Baltimore. Is there no sense of urgency?

How long did it take to rebuild the Pacific Palisades and surrounding areas after that terrible wildfire at the beginning of the year? Oh, that’s right. Nothing has happened there either, but at least they caught someone allegedly responsible.

29-year-old Jonathan Rinderknecht, the accused arsonist, faces 45 years in prison. I wonder if a few homes will be built by the time he finishes his prison sentence.

And where’s the transparency after the latest Epstein list debacle? Are we to believe that the world’s biggest global sex trafficker had no clients? Is that what you’re telling me—Ack…

Greetings. My name is Vlad Alexandru Ragsdale, and I am a vampire.

I’ve since killed the writer of this blog mid-sentence, tore out his larynx just like that.

Throughout his inane prater, he forgot one special power we vampires possess: the ability to read thoughts. I knew he had long suspected me and my undead wife of being vampires. He had no idea how close he was to the truth.

For over one hundred years, we’ve resided in this neighborhood, and just as we began to settle in, he started interfering in our affairs. I had no choice but to extinguish this menace so that we may live in peace.

Let this be a lesson to not involve yourself in matters you do not understand. The same applies to discussions about bridges, wildfires, corruption, cover-ups, and the like.

I will partake in a Reddit AMA next week, so prepare your questions. Yes, we drink blood and sleep in coffins. It’s not hard to understand.

Some of us have lived for centuries, and I can tell you that it’s not always a good thing. In the meantime, speak not of what you’ve heard here today.

Best wishes & try to have a Happy Halloween.

-Vlad