Santa Claus: The Movie

There have been endless variations of Santa Claus in popular culture, but do we really understand the man behind the beard?

This jolly, benevolent sorcerer has had quite a run since his early conception in Western folklore. In addition to multiple aliases, he’s generally associated with the spirit of gift-giving and good cheer. He also keeps “lists” of children, documenting their behavior through an apparent elaborate spy ring.

Critics say there’s no way one man could keep tabs on so many children. Those same critics received nothing for Christmas.

Jingle Bell Bomb

In 1985, Tri-Star Pictures released the definitive Santa Claus film, aptly titled Santa Claus: The Movie. I was in the theater as a young child eagerly engaged in the magic of Christmas commercialization. It was the holiday event of the year, heavily promoted by McDonald’s in the form of collectible cups and movie books (which used to be a thing).

What was supposed to be destined to be a classic for generations came and went like a reindeer fart in the wind.

The movie wasn’t very successful (outside of England), and it quickly faded into obscurity to the point where I wondered if it had existed. Since the seemingly underwhelming reception, it’s been neglected by cable networks and streaming services in their nauseating line-up of supposed holiday classics like Elf (2003), Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) with Jim Carrey, and [insert lame Christmas rom-com here].

I can’t speak for the movie’s box office or subsequent erasure. As an indiscriminate child, I liked it and don’t remember it being that bad. They had Dudley Moore as an elf, John Lithgow as a greedy toy executive, and David Huddleston (aka Jeffrey Lebowski, the Big Lebowski) as the titular character. What could go wrong?

Christmas Movie Magic

What constitutes a “Christmas classic” remains subjective, but there’s no denying that some films are better than others. Outside of iconic mainstays such as It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) and Miracle on 34th Street (1947), most treasured or notable holiday films originated from the ’80s and ’90s, an era of cultural renaissance we’re unlikely to see again.

Case in point: Ernest Saves Christmas (1988).

This is to say movies of that period that either directly or indirectly revolve around the Christmas season stand out against anything that’s followed since. Santa Claus: The Movie largely failed to enter the realm of holiday classics, but its legacy lives on as a cult film fondly remembered by the young audiences swept up in its short-lived hype.

It hasn’t been given the same nostalgic reverence as A Christmas Story (1983), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989), The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993), Edward Scissorhands (1990), Batman Returns (1992), Die Hard (1988), Gremlins (1984), Scrooged (1988), Brazil (1985), A Christmas Carol (with George C. Scott) (1984), A Muppet Christmas Carol (1992), Home Alone (1990), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Trading Places (1983), Eyes Wide Shut (1999), and others.

It hasn’t even endured the longevity of Jingle All the Way (1996).

But somewhere, someone is watching Santa Claus: The Movie and enjoying it (most likely in England). I too enjoyed it but don’t remember much, and I haven’t seen it since. Maybe it’s time to dust off the old VCR and give it another chance. The magic of the holidays only comes once a year.

Letters to Santa

Don’t tell the big guy, but there are a few things that annoy me during the holidays.

It’s not so much the Christmas panic, shopping madness, travel, or making of plans that becomes overwhelming. I’m more irritated by the little things, like price tag stickers that won’t come off.

Purchasing a gift on clearance doesn’t need to be advertised to the recipient. Someone decided to make these stickers more difficult to remove than ancient hieroglyphics.

Economics aside, I don’t want the price to show on any gift I purchase. It’s unbecoming. I usually find myself having to carefully remove a sticker with the tools and precision of a brain surgeon before I give up and scribble a permanent marker over it.

And don’t get me started on gift wrapping. I’m terrible at it. My gifts look like they’ve been through two World Wars. They’re the equivalent of an Adderall-popping maniac mail-bomber featured on America’s Most Wanted.

I wouldn’t blame anyone for having reservations about unwrapping them.

Despite my grievances with the holidays, I wrote Santa in hopes of a big score. A new roof for my house wasn’t practical enough to fit in his sleigh, and I soon realized I wasn’t a video game-addicted kid anymore.

I still play video games. Better yet, I still play the same video games from my youth, but those moments are few and far between. I realized that if I were to ask Santa for anything, it would be something meaningful.

 I hope to butter him up a little before asking for a new roof.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you and yours!