Thanksgiving Royale

Food, parades, Pilgrim cosplay, and football. What more could you want in an American tradition? 

I’ve had Thanksgiving with family, Thanksgiving overseas, and Thanksgiving alone. I’ve spent Thanksgiving in the can and another in the stocks. Both instances followed my brief stint as an Elvis impersonator, where I failed to get the proper permits for my otherwise dazzling street performances.

If you’ve had one turkey TV dinner behind bars, you’ve had them all.

Thanksgiving at my dad and stepmom’s house was a common affair. The abundance of food could turn any civilized man into a ravenous glutton. I’d try to limit myself to small portions but often succumbed to gorging. It’s what the Pilgrims would have wanted.

Entrees and side dishes adorned the dining room table like an endless buffet. Turkey, glazed ham, buttery mashed potatoes, homemade stuffing, casseroles, cranberry sauce (if that’s your thing), and delectable, lightly toasted dinner rolls were on the menu, all tirelessly prepared and cooked to perfection.

We’d give thanks for our bountiful meal and special thanks for the pie to follow. We were grateful for the time together. We were thankful to be alive and not in some dystopian time loop hunted by cyborg assassins.

Family Circus

The word family comes from the Latin familia which meant “household.” Its broad usage could be applied to any number of people or things collectively. It also shares similarities with familiar, as in something we’re acquainted with, recognize, or share informal bonds with.

The familiarity of home and the relatives we grew up with provides comfort and stability. Things outside our comfort zones generally cause unease and anxiety. Change is inevitable but still requires some natural adjusting.

As time passes, we look back at simpler times when everything was familiar. The great thing about family is that they are required by law to accept you, for better or worse.

Primetime TV

As a child of the ’80s, I was a big fan of the Garfield and Charlie Brown Halloween and Christmas television specials. They’re still on my holiday watch list each year. Somewhere in between, their lesser-known Thanksgiving specials dwell.

In Garfield’s Thanksgiving (1989), Jon, Garfield, and Odie attempt Thanksgiving at home, resulting in wild antics. Jon invites Liz the vet over but soon realizes he sucks at making the turkey. He calls his chainsaw-wielding Grandma over to save the day.

Meanwhile, Garfield battles the tortuous throes of being forced to diet during the biggest food-eating day of the year. Not bad but nothing remarkable.

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (1973) strangely centers around Peppermint Patty repeatedly harassing Charlie Brown to the point of inviting herself and her friends to his house for Thanksgiving and forcing him to cook for them. I suppose this is okay because she calls him “Chuck.”

Instead of turkey, Patty and her friends are served toast, popcorn, and jellybeans. She flips out, causing Charlie Brown to relapse into depression. By the end, everyone is invited to Brown’s grandmother’s house for a real meal. Bullocks.

It seems only fitting that these rather obscure TV specials are sandwiched between the classics, almost like Thanksgiving being a precursor to the Christmas holiday and launching point for all the shopping season madness.

American History XXX

Thanksgiving was proclaimed a day of “public thanksgiving and prayer” by George Washington on November 26, 1789, and later made into a national holiday by Abraham Lincoln in 1863.

We’ve heard about the Pilgrims and Native Americans. After a long, cold winter, the Pilgrims (led by William Bradford) grew a bountiful harvest while exchanging pleasantries with a local tribe, celebrating a time of peace, prosperity, and gratitude for all they were blessed with. But the real story is far more interesting.

It’s well-known Internet speculation that the Pilgrims battled an onslaught of carnivorous wild turkeys that had plagued Plymouth, Massachusetts for some time. A bloody battle commenced outside the Plymouth Colony on the last Thursday in November.

When all seemed lost, Native Americans came to the aid of the Pilgrims, helping them conquer the warring turkeys at the last pivotal moment. It’s also been rumored that aliens, disguised as savvy 17th century traders, gifted turkeys to the Pilgrims in hopes of kick-starting their intergalactic turkey importation/enterprise.

Only the Internet knows for sure.

Giving Thanks

I’ve lived abroad and often longed for home. Fond memories of frequent Thanksgiving dinners at my dad and stepmom’s house turn bittersweet upon the realization that my dad is no longer here. He passed away two years ago from brain cancer shortly after his 70th birthday.

Dad was a master carver and handled the electric knife like a pro. I’m thankful for his love, wisdom, humor. and so much more. I’m grateful for my family and friends, thankful for what I have, and grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn each day.

Most importantly, I’m thankful the Pilgrims defeated the turkeys centuries ago in a foreign land we now fortunately reside in. God Bless the USA.