An Inexcusable Hiatus

It’s been over two months since my last blog post. What happened? Blogs, I’m told, should be a weekly endeavor at the least. Those are the rules, and the last thing I want to do at my age is to start disregarding the rules. Procrastination and juvenile shenanigans are things of the past. I need structure.

I was telling this Verizon customer service agent the same thing on the phone. “Is there any hope for me?” I asked. “It’s a long road ahead,” she told me. “We’re all here for that little piece of action, permeating our dreams.” She then helped reactivate my phone service, the first step upon returning home.

I’ve been in the United Arab Emirates for the past year on military orders. You might have heard about this Middle East peace agreement involving the UAE, Israel, Bahrain, and Saudi Arabia. Well, I helped broker the deal. That’s right. Naturally, the Trump foreign policy team took all the credit. It’s okay. Someday they’ll make a movie about me, a man who makes wild, unverifiable claims and lives the life of a millionaire playboy secret agent tax collector. So maybe my job in the UAE wasn’t as glamorous as professed. It was a job like anything else with its share of frustrations and rewards.

Army life is hardly a thrill ride. We work in a routine environment, where efficiency and professionalism are expected. I’m serious! The logistics field can be demanding, but it’s what I know. I was a part of a special operations command that supported Navy Seals and Special Forces teams. We were stationed near Abu Dhabi on an Emirati air base in the town of Sas Al Nakhl. I traveled twice to Dubai and visited the renowned Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world. I went to Ferrari World (a theme park) and rode the so-called fastest roller coaster in the world. It was intense. I then rolled around the sandiest sand dune in Fujairah. Good times.

I’ve deployed to Afghanistan and Iraq as far back as 2011, and this was more laid back than prior engagements. In the UAE, we rarely wore uniforms or dealt with the usual Army nonsense. Our “casual” environment had more do with the fact that the Navy was there. In my experience, they’re just easier to deal with. I was in charge of a fine logistics team, and I met some good people. In the end, I failed to complete many of the items on my “to-do” list, such as finishing my novel manuscript, publishing dozens of short stories, and discovering unfounded fame and fortune. This will not stand.

The reasons of my blog absence are too numerous to count, but I assure you that they’re justified. For starters, I’ve been busy. We worked six, sometimes seven days a week. What is this, the military? The demands of my job required the utmost attention, especially at the end of the day when I just felt like watching movies. But the Army wasn’t my only focus. I’ve been hard at work, discovering a cure for impulse purchasing. According to my data, the average Internet user is more inclined to make frivolous purchases at night during drinking hours. The best way to combat such carelessness is to implement some form of hypnosis from the hours of 6:00 pm to 6:00 am, discouraging late night purchases like a $40 Predator 2 poster on eBay or retro video games. Bottom line, stay off Amazon.

Impulse purchases are as old as time. It’s rumored that Pope Julius II in fact commissioned Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel this way. It was a risky endeavor that paid off despite the church’s doubts. Most of us aren’t so lucky. Somehow our current indulgences pale in comparison. The less we shift away from a cash currency, the less value money seems to hold. The inevitable inflation following decades of printing and borrowing just ain’t right, as they say. The feds dropped the gold standard decades ago. We’re currently 22 trillion dollars in debt. How did that happen? It’s quite possible that our elected representatives couldn’t be trusted with five dollars let alone five trillion, yet nothing changes. I want to see their credit scores.

My research is largely esoteric, meaning that it’s of little use to anyone. I’m also working on a revolutionary breakthrough for interpersonal relationships. My patented “unity pill” mends pesky divisions by making us agree with one another. Once taken, the pill influences the acceptance of differing opinions thus combatting divisions within the country. To explain further, the unity pill dulls the alpha receptors in the brain, while expanding the suggestible portions of left, right, and “undecided” thinking patterns. I attempted to post my findings on social media and was promptly blocked for spreading “misinformation.” What a bunch of bullshit.

I wouldn’t dare suggest anything beyond what the “experts” tell us. Going to the beach obviously poses more of a threat than “protesting” among hundreds of people in close quarters on any city block. Climate Change is obviously behind the California wildfires, not decades of forest mismanagement. This is common knowledge among the insane. I say bring back mental institutions, Victorian-age stocks and all. Take a unity pill and join me in our next great agreeable roundtable. It can be done. Once I figure these issues out, I’ll address this ongoing COVID pandemic.

I’ve been working on comics and short stories, video editing, and a horror screenplay revision. The list always grows. I’m fortunate enough to have many talented friends to collaborate with. For the remainder of the year, I’ll be focused on writing and comics. The TikTok dance videos will have to wait. Like everyone else, I’m nervous about the future. There’s a fair amount of expectations one has for themself after two years away from home. There’s no time to rest. That lemon meringue pie isn’t going to bake on its own.

New blog updates every week, that’s the plan. Perhaps in a few years, people will actually read them. I’ve got high hopes for my unity pill as well, especially as the country descends into more madness before, during, and after the election. Uber sent me an email reminder to vote. Thank you, Uber, I almost forgot. I recently updated my resume too. I’m always on the hunt for the new prospects. A new job and a house with an underground bunker and a few high-end security guards is all I need. In the meantime, resume feedback is always welcomed.

Stayed tuned for my next travelogue entry, detailing my month of travel from the UAE to Florida. It promises to be a very tantalizing journey. Thank you for reading, and have a splendid day.